


forever by your side

by Kaschra



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Angst and Romance, Character Death, Eruri Week 2019, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Romance, Time Loop
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-08
Updated: 2019-09-08
Packaged: 2020-10-12 04:01:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20557904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kaschra/pseuds/Kaschra
Summary: The first time he remembers is the moment Erwin's heart stops beating.For a split second, a sharp pain races through his head, leaving him dizzy and faint. What follows is a brutal, overwhelming onslaught of memories – memories of a future that is yet to come. Or memories of a time long past? It's all fragmented, distorted, chaotic.When Levi opens his eyes again, he sees the world in a new light. It's like he has woken up from a long dream.“Are you alright?” asks Hanji, her voice broken and hoarse. She looks at him with concern.It is a stupid question, really, and they both know. Because nothing is alright any more.*****My entry for the 2019 EruriweekPrompt: Timeloop





	forever by your side

**Author's Note:**

> Okay okay okay... I'm nervous as fuck right now.
> 
> I only write fanfics occasionally, and English is not my native language, so I'm just... kinda stressed out about it. So yeah, I hope the fic is not too bad and... enjoy? I hope?

I

The first time he remembers is the moment Erwin's heart stops beating.

For a split second, a sharp pain races through his head, leaving him dizzy and faint. What follows is a brutal, overwhelming onslaught of memories – memories of a future that is yet to come. Or memories of a time long past? It's all fragmented, distorted, chaotic.  
When Levi opens his eyes again, he sees the world in a new light. It's like he has woken up from a long dream.

“Are you alright?” asks Hanji, her voice broken and hoarse. She looks at him with concern. 

It is a stupid question, really, and they both know. Because nothing is alright any more.

“It's nothing,” Levi replies nonetheless. 

A lie, of course. He doesn't have the strength to tell her the truth. How could he even begin to explain what just happened to him?  
_Oi shitty glasses, I've already seen this shit in my previous life?_  
He'd sound like a mad man.  
So, instead he turns his focus back to the man lying in front of him.

When Hanji leans forward to check on Erwin, Levi already knows.

He knows because he has already experienced all this before.  
He just didn't remember until now.

“He's dead.” 

Levi can't bring himself to say anything this time. He doesn't trust his own voice any longer.  
He had to see Erwin die twice now.  
And for what? What was the point of this? Why was he forced to relieve this moment?  
Why did he have to see him die all over again, ripping open scars that never truly healed?

__

When Erwin died in his previous life, it was Levi's choice.  
_To let Erwin finally rest, free from all the pain and guilt, instead of dragging him back into this shithole of a world._  
_It was the choice he would regret the least – or that's what he told himself over and over again, when the weight of this very choice threatened to crush him._  
_But without Erwin, he had been lost. He had lived on, feeling disconnected and empty, clinging to a promise that he was never able to fulfil.  
_ _In the end, when Zeke Jaeger put an end to his life too, he had nothing left but his regrets._

_ _ __ _ _

This time, he swears to himself and to the dead man in front of him, he will not fail. 

__

He sees them clearer now, these memories of his past life.  
_He saw Erwin's lifeless body, carefully placed on a bed, his face and upper body covered by his cloak. The wings of freedom followed him even in death._

__

__

The memory shifts and it's obvious that a long time has passed;  
_The flowers he had placed on the bedside table had long withered away. Dust particles covered the entire room and danced through the air with each step he took._  
_Levi halted in front of the bed. He tried to reach out and pull the cloak away, but his hand stopped a few inches away from the body. He found himself unable to move. His whole body struggled against him, trembling, his mind refused to obey orders._  
_He knew he was not ready to see it. He would never be ready._  
_He didn't know how long he had been standing there when he finally mustered up the strength to pull the cloak away._  
_And saw what was left of Erwin Smith._  
_What stared back at him was a blank, featureless skull with empty eye sockets, the skeletal left hand placed over where the heart would be._  
_Nothing what made Erwin... Erwin was left._  
_Levi recoiled in horror. He found it harder and harder to breathe._  
_He stood there, for a long moment, staring at the skull, at the empty sockets, and tried to reconcile the fact that the bones before him used to be a living, breathing man. That this rotten corpse used to be Erwin._  
_“I should have returned to you sooner,” His entire body felt numb,” no... I never should have left you here.”  
_ _The dull aching he had felt ever since Erwin's death grew stronger._

_ _ __ _ _

__

Levi blinks slowly. The memories fade away, but the numbness remains.

“Let us carry him home,” he whispers. He is so tired now.

His right hand gently caresses Erwin's face. Then he leans down and places a fleeting kiss on the cold lips.  
Another regret from his past life.  
Another choice he wishes he could've made differently.  
But just like last time, he is too late.

II

He remembers the moment Erwin spills his heart out to him.

There is chaos all around them; rocks flying through the air, crashing into buildings, destroying everything in their path. Young soldiers, screaming in fear and terror. But it feels all so distant to him. The only thing that matters in this moment is Erwin, sitting on a crate in front of him.  
Still breathing. Still alive.  
He's glad that he's already kneeling, or else his legs would have given away.  
He crawls closer to his commander, resting his head on his knees, clinging to Erwin's hand like his life depends on it.

To think that he would get the chance to speak to Erwin once more, to hear his voice again, to touch him again – the real Erwin, and not just a slowly fading memory in his mind.  
It's too much to bear.  
The years of loneliness and grief rush back to him, overwhelm him, drown him.  
He can't stifle the soft sob that escapes his lips.

When he finally raises his head and looks up, Erwin suddenly groans in pain.  
Just as quick as it came, it's over again. Erwin's eyes suddenly flutter open. He looks around, confused, as if he could not believe what he's seeing.  
When their eyes find each other, they both _know._

This is not the first time Levi has experienced this. But it is the first time that Erwin does. 

Erwin is the first to avert his eyes. He looks so tired now, more than Levi has ever seen before. 

“What happened... happens... after?” Erwin asks reluctantly, his voice low and full of uncertainty.

Levi swallows.

“I... failed to kill the beast titan. I couldn't fulfil my promise.”

For a moment, Levi hesitates.  
It was his choice to let Erwin go. To finally give him the rest he so dearly needed. To free him from this hell.

But seeing Erwin alive... Levi's resolve crumbles like sand beneath his fingers.

“Today I will make sure that you'll be there when he truth of this world is revealed,” Levi says, his voice firm,” I want you to fulfil your dream.”

Erwin's smile had never been gentler.

This time, Floch doesn't carry Erwin to safety. Levi later finds him among the other fallen soldiers, his empty eyes staring at the sky.

III

He remembers the moment they're standing on top of Wall Rose, ready to set out and take back Shiganshina. A victory for humanity, waiting on the horizon. Paid with the blood of hundreds of soldiers.

Far below them, the people cheer for their victory. And just like last time, Erwin joins them in their cheers, surprising everyone around him.

Everyone but Levi.

The two men share one last moment of tranquillity before the hell that is to come, standing still amidst the busy soldiers and looking at the vast horizon. 

“You died again,” Levi says, his voice trembling uncomfortably,” Something went wrong. It wasn't supposed to happen that way.”

Erwin turns to Levi and puts his hand on the smaller man's shoulder, trying to give him at least some comfort.

“Whatever phenomenon we are experiencing is unpredictable,” Erwin agrees,” I don't think we will be able to fully control whatever happens to us.”

“So, what are we gonna do? Just repeat all this shit, trial-and error, until we get our desired outcome? Talk about shit luck...”

“It seems we don't have a choice,” Erwin replies.

With one last look to the world below he turns around, ready to face his fate, whatever it may be.  
But Levi's voice, unusual small, stops him dead in his tracks.

“Erwin... wait.”

Erwin turns back to him, his eyebrows raised curiously.  
Levi wants to tell him. He really does. But he hesitates again.  
In the end, the words die unspoken on his lips.

IV

He remembers the moment he tries to stop Erwin from going on the recovery expedition to Shiganshina.

He leans against the door Hanji and the others had left through a few seconds before.  
A long, drawn out sigh escapes his lips. How many times will he have to repeat this shit?

“Here we are again,” he hears Erwin's voice from across the room.

Levi quickly crosses the distance between them and slams his hands on Erwin's desk.

“Are you gonna try and go through with that shitty plan again? Do I seriously need to break your fucking legs to stop you?”

Both men stare at each other for a moment.

“Levi... you already know the answer.”

“And you know how it all ends!”

“No... we evidently don't. You said it yourself last time, something changed. Each new timeline seems to be a bit different than the previous one. So we can't be sure that it won't work out this time.”

“What if I just told you what we found in the basement?”

Erwin opens his mouth, then closes it quickly again. It's a rare moment to see him speechless.

“No. If I'm not there, the whole operation will fall apart. I need to be there... I need to see it with my own eyes...”

“You don't know that. You... tch.”

Levi jerks around, his hands clenched into fists. Why did he ever think that Erwin would give up on his gambling nature? That man was too stubborn for his own good.

“Do you know how many times I've seen you die, Erwin?” Levi speaks into the uncomfortable silence that has fallen between them.  
“How many times I've had to carry you to your grave? I can't go through this shit any more. It's too much for me.”

He's ready to stomp out of the room, when he feels Erwin's hand pressing on his shoulder. In his anger he hadn't even realised that the man got up to approach him. Now that he feels Erwin's presence so close to him, his agitation slowly melts away until the only thing that's left is a nagging worry.

“Please... stay.”

Levi obeys. Of course he does.

He remembers what he wanted to tell Erwin for a long long time. For more than one lifetime. Words that were either cut off by death or by his own cowardice.

“Erwin, I...”

He doesn't finish what he wants to say.

Instead, he pulls Erwin down and presses his lips unto his own.  
It's only a fleeting kiss, lasting no more than a second, before Levi realises what he's doing and abruptly pulls away.

What was he thinking?

But before he can continue the thought, he feels the tender touch of Erwin's lips on his own.

V

He remembers the moment he finally sees Erwin, bruised and battered, after the successful coup d'etat.

Levi just holds him close, burying his face in Erwin's chest, taking in his familiar scent. He doesn't want to let go, not ever again. The world stops for both of them for a short moment.  
He hears the bystanders around them murmur and whisper, no doubt already starting to spread gossip. Fuck every one of them and what they might think.  
He's come to far to give up on this little piece of happiness now.

They lay on Erwin's bed that night, the whole room illuminated by the moonlight streaming through the windows, seeking comfort and warmth in each other's embrace. Levi's head rests on Erwin's chest, the sound of his strong heartbeat calming his nerves.  
Erwin kisses the temple of his head and the touch of his lips sending a pleasant shiver down his spine.  
What he would give for this moment of peace to last forever...  
But the unstoppable flow of time doesn't make any exceptions, not even for the two men who found each other again and again after their lives ended and began anew.

“Thank you, Levi,” Erwin whispers into the dark.

Levi remembers how the last cycle went down. Erwin, of course, had been right all along. With each new cycle, the events of the world changed, sometimes almost insignificantly, sometimes drastically.  
The last was one of the drastic ones.  
Because Erwin had lived longer than in any cycle before.

__

Levi remembers gripping the box with the titan serum so firmly that his knuckles went white.  
_His throat was dry when he swallowed, bis breath hitching in his chest._  
_Erwin laid, unconscious and mortally wounded, but still very much alive, in front of him. Not far from him laid the charred body of Armin Arlert, but Levi paid no attention to him. Nor did he listen to the protests of Eren and Mikasa, crying, begging him to give the serum to Armin.  
_ _He prepared the syringe and was ready to plunge the needle into Erwin's arm, when Eren's pitiful whimper reached his ears._

_“Armin... All he wanted to to do was to see the ocean. It was his dream ever since he was a child...”_

_For a second, Levi glanced at Armin, who was lying at the other end of the rooftop, and felt a pang of guilt. The boy was still so young... he had dreams. He had friends who would grieve over his death._  
_But that feeling of guilt disappeared the moment he turned his gaze back to his commander.  
_ _Erwin too had dreams. He too had those close to him who would grieve over his demise. And fate had denied Erwin his dream so many times now... _

__

__

_Ignoring Eren's and Mikasa's painful wailing, Levi plunged the needle into the skin of Erwin's arm and released the serum._

_His memories after that were foggy. Everything happened in the span of seconds. He grabbed Eren under the shoulder and evacuated the rooftop just in time. Behind them, the transformation had already started. With a sudden flash of light, the old Erwin disappeared and was replaced by a huge and grotesque looking titan with gigantic eyebrows._  
_A loud and inhuman growl escaped its maw as it made its way towards the screaming and thrashing Bertholdt._  
_The screams were silenced for good when Erwin's titan sank its gigantic teeth into Bertholdt's body over and over again, until nothing was left of the young man.  
_ _Erwin's pure titan suddenly tumbled forward and fell over, as its carcass slowly evaporating. Levi was with him the next moment and pulled Erwin away from the steaming titan body._

__

__

_Erwin was alive – alive and whole again with his regrown right arm. Levi held him close in his embrace, cherishing every second he was allowed to spend with this man, and didn't give a fuck that everyone could see him cry._

“So what went wrong last time?” Erwin's words disrupt the silence.  
“I became a titan shifter. I saw the truth of the world, I finally realised my dream. But it didn't stop there. Marley... the war...”

“Erwin,” Levi says firmly,” enough about the future and all this shit. I just need a break for now. We both do.”  
He turns his head and looks Erwin deep into the eyes.

“There's enough time to worry tomorrow.”

VI

He remembers the moment he sees Erwin lying in his bed, unconscious, his face as pale as death – and the bandaged stump where his right arm should be.

Levi knows Erwin will wake up. He's not worried any longer.  
And even if this is one of those fucked up cycles where everything goes wrong, it doesn't matter. Time has lost all meaning for them, and so has death.  
He doesn't question what is happening to them any more. There was a time when he was angry and confused at his fate, when he wanted, no, demanded answers.  
But he never got any, and he's sure he never will. There simply is no answer.  
What was it? Reincarnation? Timeloop? The deepest depths of hell, punishing them for their ill deeds? Or simply a new chance?  
Does it even matter?  
They are just playthings of this wilful universe anyway.

Erwin awakes three days later.  
When he notices Levi sitting next to his bed, he let's out a soft sob.

“Levi!”  
He jumps out of his bed, but dizziness overcomes him immediately. Levi has to carefully place him back onto the soft blankets and pillows.

“You're here.”  
Erwin's rough hand caresses Levi's face, his thumb trailing over his chin, his lips. He has a hard time getting his emotions under control.  
His kiss is desperate, longing, leaving both of them breathless.

“You're here,” Erwin repeats and buries his face in Levi's shoulder.

“I'm sorry.”

“Is this how you feel every time I die?”

Levi doesn't answer. But Erwin understands nevertheless.

The feeling of being torn apart by the teeth of a titan is still too fresh on Levi's mind.

__

__

_He didn't feel the pain at first, it was blocked out by the adrenaline rushing through his body. But hew saw the blood. There was blood everywhere. He looked down, and the lower half of his body was simply gone._  
_Then the pain rushed back to him, and everything went dark._

__

__

“It doesn't matter any longer. I'm here.”

He will bear any pain if it means to see Erwin again.

VII

He remembers the moment when Farlan, Isabel and him are cornered and caught by the Survey Corps soldiers.

Erwin, ever eloquent, interrogates them with precision, pacing around them like a tiger. He hasn't regained his memories yet, Levi realises.

“Why are you smiling?” Isabel asks Levi, bewildered. Her eyes jump between Levi and Erwin and then back to Levi, wondering if she had missed anything,” You're kinda creeping me out.”

“What are you planning?” Mike's voice is a growl when he looks at the prisoners, but he's silenced when Erwin kneels down in front of Levi.

Erwin's icy blue eyes meet Levi's grey ones and he _remembers_.  
In that instant, all the memories return to him.

“Levi,” his face brightens up when he finally recognizes the person in front of him.

All is well when Levi sees this smile again. This gentle smile meant for him and him alone.

“Erwin, how do you kn...” But Mike never finishes his sentence.

Erwin leans forward and kisses Levi on the lips.  
They ignore Isabel's confused shrieking and Farlan's raised eyebrows and the unbelieving stares of the entire survey corps squad.

VIII  
He remembers the moment he turns 18.

But fate is cruel to him during this cycle. He waits in vain for the promised reunion. This time, he finds Erwin at the Survey Corps cemetery – just another soldier fallen in the name of mankind, one among thousands of others.  
This time, Levi's own life ends abruptly.

IX

He remembers the moment his mother dies in her own bed.

He's just a young boy then, weak, starved to the bones and close to death himself. He barely has any strength left.

Why couldn't his memories return to him a bit sooner? Maybe he would have been able to save his mother then.  
And yet again, he has to stare at the grotesquely warped death mask that used to be his mother's pretty face. Yet again he had to see with his own eyes how this incurable sickness she contracted slowly wasted her away, until she was nothing more than a walking corpse. She had laid down on her bed, closed her eyes – and never opened them again.

He thinks of Erwin and what the older boy must go through right now.  
Did he already tell his friends about his father's theories? Or had he awoken before that incident? Could he at least spare his parent from an early death this time around?

Levi hears feet shuffling outside the room. He's not surprised to see his uncle Kenny enter a second later.

X

He remembers before he even knows who he is himself.  
He's just an infant, gently cradled in the arms of his mother. But even so, the sees the piercing blue eyes and that gentle smile clear as day.  
He knows the man's name better than his own.

The memory of Erwin is with him from his very first breath, and he already knows it will stay with him until his last.  
Just as he knows that as soon as he is able, he will set out into the world to find him again.

No matter how many times the world resets. No matter how much pain he must endure. No matter how many times death may separate them.

Because Levi knows that Erwin is waiting for him.


End file.
